And, if you’re like me and have a mountain of leftovers in your fridge. you most likely have been playing the part of “The Glutton” in a motion picture sequel known as “Thanksgiving Take Two: Who’s The Turkey Now?” This is a movie that takes place in your own living room on the couch with a plate that’s filled up with bird and gravy and stuffing and veggies and ALL THE THINGS. No cameras are present. Just a pair of sweatpants and some shameless crumbs on your shirt from that second piece of leftover pie. Who are we kidding? It’s your third piece. You mindlessly ate an entire piece of pie as a snack while making up a batch of broth with your turkey bones. You’re nothing if not resourceful. Also, every time I’m saying “you” or “you’re” know that I’m definitely talking about me. Yes. I’ve thrice pie-ed. Also, the plot of this movie is a little thin—unlike the gravy in my mouth corners. Continue reading
By now you’re probably trying to finalize which method you’re going to use to cook your turkey. Perhaps spatchcock-ing? Perhaps deep frying? Maybe an adventure in Turducken-ing? The world is your
oyster turkey tail.
There are lots of decisions to be made. Like, are you going to put bacon in your brussel sprouts? You probably should. Or, is it a good move to make your own pie crust? If you have the time, I totally vote yes. Or, should you sit your cranky Aunt Millie next to your cousin’s new boyfriend who curses like a sailor? Probably. Do you mess with the way your Italian grandmother insists on arranging the peppers on her requisite antipasto plate? NEVER. Don’t touch that. She’ll smack your fingers with a spoon. I know this from experience. Do you still allow the relative who can’t remember to refrigerate anything to bring a mayonnaise-based dip? Yikes. Who doesn’t love a gamble? So many decisions. Continue reading
Perhaps you wander over to the meat counter and pick out two very thick, very juicy, very pricey New York Steaks. Surely this is enough meat to quell your suspected protein deficiency. But, no. You glance over at the sale sign. You see full racks of ribs. You grab one and put it in your very full basket of meat. Did I mention that the only reason you meant to come into the store was to get a can of coconut milk? This is why you opted for the basket. One item. No biggie. Now you look down at a heavy basket brimming with steak and ribs (and ground beef, and chicken — I told you, it was a meat-spree). The check out clerk looks at you like you should be ashamed. He’s most likely vegan. The kind of dude that has carrots tattooed on his forearms. You like him. He asks if you’re having a party. You simply say “A party of two”. He gives you a very distinct look, communicating with garish certainty, “you’re going to die”. The only response to this in that moment is a very toothy grin. Continue reading
1) It’s POPSICLE WEEK! That’s right. All week there are bloggers around the net popping off popsicle recipes and helping you get some of that sticky-end-of-the-popsicle-juice all over your chins. Who declared it Popsicle Week? Well, that would be Billy of Wit & Vinegar. There are 37 of us throwing recipes your way this week! You can find all of them HERE on Billy’s blog as they go up throughout the week.
If you’ve never been to his blog, I suggest you go. He’s hilarious and I kinda wish that we could get together and dunk some of these popsicles all up in some booze and just see what happens. We can talk about Mariah Carey and sing a lot of Vision of Love (um, yeah, so..that’s my Dad playing keyboards in that video–not kidding). There are lots of snacks, and sometimes we high five. At some point in the evening there are talks of learning all the choreography from Single Ladies, but after realizing we’ve had too many booze+ popsicle mash-ups, we just call it a day and play Scrabble. We show each other pictures of our dogs and tell stories about them like they’re our kids. The usual friendship things. Note: none of this has happened, it’s just a really weird fantasy that I happen to be sharing on the internet in front of all the people. Meh. Oh, well… Continue reading
You know it’s spring when…
You wake drowsily at 9:00am because you were forced to take a powerful antihistamine the night before. You took this antihistamine because of all of the mosquito bites that you have managed to acquire. They itch. You have a particularly gnarly one on your stomach, which proves curious since you don’t remember wearing anything resembling a crop-top. You’ve been spending a lot of time outside. Even at night. This is where all of those rosy mosquito bites came from. It’s been sunshine on sunshine on sunshine. You’ve been sporting a tank top and frolicking in the outdoors despite your allergies. Your eyes are swelling slightly? You can’t breathe? We should probably go inside…BUT IT’S JUST SO GOSH DARN SUNNY! Your body craves this wicked vitamin D festival, so you ignore your allergies, eat some local honey, inhale some prescription nose spray and get real about eye-drops. You start scoping out and trying to guesstimate how much of your backyard your next door neighbors can see through their kitchen window. Obviously this is because you would like to read a good book while wearing your birthday suit. You surmise the neighbors can see way too much. You also surmise that they’ve already seen way too much. Why did you not check this out before you decided to go out into the yard in your underpants (MULTIPLE times)? Not sure. Oh well. You find yourself out at farmer’s markets. You find yourself paying $7.50 for a green juice. You know this is expensive, but you can’t help it. It looks so good. You suck down $7.50 worth of fruits and veggies in a flash. You try to be mad about the price, but you can’t because it tastes too good, although once it is gone you find yourself tinged with a bit of regret. You have an awesome juicer. You could have made three green juices at that price. Sheesh. Also, you should put sunscreen on your husband’s neck, it’s about to burn. This is our real life. Continue reading