Watermelon & Lime Tequila Popsicles

Well, it’s that time of year again. The sun is high in the sky and the internet is churning out popsicles with the pointed enthusiasm of a confetti cannon. That’s a thing, right? A cannon that shoots out massive quantities of confetti? If it’s not, we’re just going to pretend that it is. There’s even a emoji for that. You know that party hat with the confetti coming out of it? That’s emoji for confetti cannon. And, since there’s no popsicle emoji (don’t even get me started), we could simply articulate this whole situation with like seven confetti hats, a blazing hot sun, and a Spanish dancer. Oh, and like five watermelons and three fruity cocktail drinks to represent the tequila in these. I’m glad that we’ve agreed on our emoji game. It makes me feel more secure.  […]

Three Ingredient Watermelon & Mint Slushie

Back when I was a teenager, hot weather meant a couple of things.

Firstly, I was probably going to wear a top that showed my belly button and a suspicious amount of the ol’ chesticles. Secondly, as the weather turned hot, the classrooms would start to smell really strongly of CK One or other popular man-scents. It turns out that heat activates its pungency, allowing it to mix with stinky adolescent pits and creating what I’m sure to be a toxic death cloud — a cloud that was teeming with the scent of desperation and overly gelled hair. Thirdly, after school I was going to drive my sweaty-crop-top wearing self to 7-Eleven to dispense  a slushie into a BIG GULP cup. I would usually opt for cherry mixed with coca-cola. The ice would turn a murky brown. Sometimes they had a flavor that came in neon blue, which was fun because it would give you a smurf tongue. I can’t recall the exact flavor–but, I’m sure it tasted blue. These were the things of early summer. […]

Green Watermelon Cooler

If you come here and hang out with me often, you will know that when it comes to watermelon I find myself a bit powerless. The weather starts to heat up, and I can’t seem to help myself. It usually starts with just cutting myself a slice. Wow! That’s so refreshing! Then I decide to cut another slice. Magic! Pure, magic! Sooner or later I find myself alone, with sweet, sticky hands. I have pink juice running down my chin and I have a slosh-y affliction in my gut that can only be described as “Watermelon Belly”. Those of you watermelon fiends know what I’m talking about. Things happen to your body when you decide to take on an entire watermelon. So far this season, I have learned this lesson exactly twice. I might even (definitely will) learn it again. […]

Watermelon Margaritas

Last week.

Don’t even get me started.

I came here on Friday to write you a post about my various kitchen mishaps. The post got too long. That’s right. It was that kind of week. I found myself on Facebook complaining and insisting we all have margaritas. Yeah, I wasn’t kidding…

These drinks are what happens when you manage to make lemon bars taste like scary scrambled eggs, spend hours making gluten-free gnocchi that ends up turning into doggie treats, and make yourself a green smoothie that tastes like wet salad. Yes, I did these things. It got real. Oh, boy. I have some scores to settle with a couple of recipes. They will be mine. Mark my words. […]