Hold up, G. You’re going to put what WHERE? | Washing Your Face With Food (Part 1)

Yes, I took the time to take a picture of me enthusiastically holding food to my face. It’s only going to get weirder… buckle up. We’re gonna talk skincare. I’m gonna be putting that food right on my face.
A few months back, I found myself in a  heated argument with my skin. I had recently come off of oral contraceptives, and my skin was letting me know that it disapproved of my life choices. It fought back with dry patches and a heck of a greasy T-zone. Then there was Carl. Carl was the angry blemish that kept on rearing his rosy head right on my chin. He was big and unsightly and a little bit of a diva. Kind of like that really loud friend you had in college that  you could never seem to lose at a party. That’s Carl. He had to go.
I was using some of the most “gentle” facial cleaners on the market, but my skin still felt itchy, dry and just stressed the heck out.  One morning,  I was reaching for my bottle of cleanser and just happened to flip that thing around to the ingredients. Whoa. I have no idea what any of that stuff is. Chemicals abound.  There were probably forty ingredients in there, and all of them seemed to just be feeding Carl and his host of real bossy friends that seemed to be joining the party with each passing day. I was hosting a rave on my chin. Enough is enough.  […]

How To Make Grape Jelly From Grape Juice

When a neighbor calls and asks you to help harvest her vineyard in exchange for grapes… you go.  At least, I totally go. I’m usually not one to turn down fresh produce. You know this. I’ve discussed my produce sluttery. I will work for food. Period.
It’s only later when you’re staring at a very large container full of harvested grapes that you think, “huh…what now?!” Like anything fresh, grapes have a shelf life, and you need to get on it kind of quickly before they ripen themselves to death, fermenting and exploding all over each other. Time to roll up yer sleeves…
Fast forward. It’s a Saturday night. I have an eye twitch. I’ve been washing and de-stemming grapes for over an hour. My fingers are purple. I have chosen to watch the movie Stepmom while taking on this project. Uh oh, here come the waterworks. Tears mix with my grape stained hands as I wipe away sobs. Susan Sarandon didn’t have to make that extremely sentimental magicians cape for her son, did she? Whoa. Ugh. So. MUCH. Crying. My husband calls me from a bar on his business trip. I have to explain to him that I am fine, but have just made the incredibly  misguided decision to make grape jelly while watching a highly sentimental film. Nothing to worry about here (totally worry). […]

Kale Salad With Golden Raisins, Walnuts & Pecorino

As most of you know, my husband went out of town on business. How do you know this? Well… I wrote a pretty awkward post about it. Remember my last post where I drew you a Capybara Ballarina and there were talks of me eating entire boxes of gluten-free mac and cheese? Yeah. #SingleLadyProblems. Well, things didn’t get any more normal in the evenings to follow. I baked and consumed an entire dozen chocolate chip cookies. I spent Saturday evening making jelly and sobbing while watching the movie Stepmom. Don’t worry… I totally saw a bunch of friends and went out into the world, but when it got late and my hands needed to keep busy, I would get in the kitchen or get out a paintbrush or turn on Netflix and watch four solid hours of birthing documentaries. Whoa. Real story. I saw everything. I then spent an hour and a half researching midwives and doulas and water births. And no I’m not pregnant, I just have access to Google, which lends itself to my crazy inquisitive spirit. Thanks, Google. […]

A Capybara Ballerina | Because, This Is My Brain…

So… I title this piece “Capybara Ballerina” or “Capybara On Pointe” or maybe “Capyballerina”. Take your pick.
This is the “artwork” that happens when my husband is out of town and I find myself marathoning episodes of Breaking Pointe while housing an entire box of gluten-free mac & cheese. Have you watched that show? Ballet is dramatic. For reals. […]