Roasted Kale Sprouts, Apricots & Bacon

It’s a sweaty August afternoon. And, yeah. You guessed it. I’m sweating.

I’m sitting here writing to you with an aggressive amount of coconut oil in my hair, dishes in my sink, and wearing last night’s pajamas. I really overshot things in the attempt to give my recently colored hair a much needed coconut oil moisture mask. Like, I can feel oil dripping down the sides of my face, and maybe down my back. I’ve tucked paper towels into the front of my sports bra in order to make a bib to catch the drippings. This is real life, my friends. This is real life. At any moment I could be mauled with an enthusiastic Golden Retriever tongue bath. Emma likes coconut oil a lot… so, I’m trying to type quietly as not to wake her from her power nap. My hair could become her afternoon snack. So, shhhhh. She’s dreaming little doggy dreams, her legs moving wildly trying to chase things. I wonder if she smells the oil. I wonder if she’s chasing me. Yikes! […]

Roasted Strawberry & Vanilla Coconut Milk Ice Cream {Dairy-Free, Gluten-Free, Date Sweetened, Paleo}

Okay. I admit the name of this recipe is long, complicated, and lacking a certain amount of finesse. I’m with you.

What would it be like if we named recipes like we named nail polish? Everything would be fun and flirty. Like, I could get away with calling this ice cream something like “Strawberry Pantie Dropper” or “Moist Vanilla Dreams” or maybe just “Kotex”. This seems slightly far fetched, but I honestly have a blush in my makeup kit called “Orgasm”. So, this isn’t too far off base. Have you ever written a paragraph that is 99% regrettable. Because, this one.  […]

Slow-Cooker Margarita Beef

Margarita Beef isn’t like Margherita Pizza.

You know that moment when you’re thinking, “Oh, Gosh–what glorious fusion! They’ve finally combined my favorite alcoholic beverage with my favorite slab of carbs and cheese!! Praise Cheese-us!” But, no. They didn’t figure out how to infuse your pizza with a fishbowl marg. Turns out Margherita Pizza was named after a queen and not after tequila. No one’s getting drunk off of pizza. Put your shirt back down. No one is going to lick that salt off your belly-button now. But, I appreciate your enthusiasm to make pizza-body-shots a thing. You can reply with at least twelve sad face emojis if need be. I get your disappointment. But, fear not. Cue up your emoji keyboard and get ready to fire a Spanish Dancer, because I basically slow-cooked this beef in an actual cocktail. […]

Watermelon & Lime Tequila Popsicles

Well, it’s that time of year again. The sun is high in the sky and the internet is churning out popsicles with the pointed enthusiasm of a confetti cannon. That’s a thing, right? A cannon that shoots out massive quantities of confetti? If it’s not, we’re just going to pretend that it is. There’s even a emoji for that. You know that party hat with the confetti coming out of it? That’s emoji for confetti cannon. And, since there’s no popsicle emoji (don’t even get me started), we could simply articulate this whole situation with like seven confetti hats, a blazing hot sun, and a Spanish dancer. Oh, and like five watermelons and three fruity cocktail drinks to represent the tequila in these. I’m glad that we’ve agreed on our emoji game. It makes me feel more secure.  […]